Verify your status as a Montauk local.
A visit is a weekend. A deed is a purchase. Local is a verdict.
Why this Department exists
Montauk is a hamlet. It is not a village, it is not a town, and by the strong preference of most people who live here, it is not the Hamptons. Nobody ever voted on what makes a person local, so everyone has voted on it, loudly, in line at the deli.
Some say you must be born here. Some say your parents must have been. Some say twenty summers should count, and some of those people have twenty summers. The Department takes no side. It publishes a points schedule and lets the points fall where they fall.
We do not decide who loves Montauk. We decide who has put in the winters.
| Department statistics | |
|---|---|
| Average processing time | Until Labor Day |
| Applications currently in backlog | Yes |
| Verifying Officers who are tourists | None. This is checked. |
How Verification Works
Two tracks. One standard. No exceptions, except the ones in the exceptions.
Track 1: By Origin
You qualify if you meet either test.
- You attended the Montauk School for four or more consecutive grades.
- You were born on the East End and at least one parent was verified or would have been.
Montauk has no hospital. Births at Southampton or Riverhead are accepted, as are births in the back seat of a truck on Montauk Highway. Birth at a Manhattan hospital is a clerical matter and will be discussed in person.
Track 2: By Experience
You need 1,000 points, and the points must come from more than one place. Time alone does not carry you. Neither does a deed.
| Category | Cap | What counts |
|---|---|---|
| Time | 500 | Year-round years, working summers, years in a home you inherited, years in one you bought, years of vacationing. They are not weighted equally, and you know why. |
| Hardship | 400, with a 250 minimum | Winter rentals, nor'easters, Route 27 in July. Without 250 hardship points you cannot be verified at any total. |
| Community | 250 | Fire department, public meetings, beach cleanups, February groceries. |
| Knowledge | 120 | Three questions. Two of them have a right answer. |
| Demerits | No floor | Subtracted. Calling Montauk "the Hamptons" costs 150 points. |
Determinations
| Determination | Meaning |
|---|---|
| Verified Local | You are one. Do not make it weird. |
| Returned for Insufficient Winters | A lot of points, not enough cold. This is an instruction to stay through one more January. |
| Summer Person (Probationary) | Welcome. Be kind to the line cooks. |
| Visitor | Welcome. Please tip. |
| Denied: Conduct | A conduct bar, or demerits that exceeded your good name. |
| Returned for Inconsistency | Your file claims winters but not one January. The form noticed. |
| Returned for [a local etiquette matter] | A small act with a named instruction. Fix it and file again. See the Exclusions list below. |
| Referred to Orientation | Three questions, three misses. Read the Code of Conduct and come back. |
Exclusions
Some acts bar you at any score. One act is enough, and no number of winters makes up for it. Smaller matters of local etiquette are returned with instructions, so you can fix them and file again.
The first slip of "the Hamptons" costs 150 points. Doing it again after a correction is a bar.
Classes of Verified Local
A Verified Local has a class. It is printed on your certificate beside your standing.
| Class | How you get it |
|---|---|
| Class III, Weathered | 1,000 to 1,099 points, with the hardship minimum |
| Class II, Storm-Tested | 1,100 to 1,199 points |
| Class I, Rooted | 1,200 points or more |
| By Origin, First Generation | Your own school years or birth, and no local parent |
| By Origin, Second Generation | One parent who was local |
| By Origin, Third Generation or Earlier | Both parents, and a grandparent who knew the lighthouse keeper |
Standing is good unless the Code of Conduct says otherwise.
Appeals
You may appeal once within 90 days. The appeal fee is one bag of trash picked up from a beach, photographed, with the beach named. It may not be the one you keep secret.
Code of Conduct
The single cause for revocation is telling a visitor, in writing or aloud, where the good spot is. It overrides every point, every certificate, and every year. Revocation is immediate and retroactive.
Apply for Verification
Read the Code of Conduct first. We will wait.
How an application is processed
The Department reviews applications in the order they are filed, except the ones it likes better. The process has six steps. Most applicants skip to step four, and the Department has stopped taking it personally.
- Choose a track. Born here or schooled here: Track 1. Everyone else: Track 2. Anyone with a family story and a lot of nerve: Birthright, which is not a trip.
- Answer honestly, or honestly enough. The forms ask about winters, houses, parking and what you have said out loud at the deli. Nothing is checked. Everything is remembered.
- Attest. Part E asks you to swear that you have not done any of the listed things. Untick the ones you have. One of them will be you.
- Receive your determination. It appears on screen at once. There is no waiting room, which is the only way this Department differs from the real ones.
- Request a certificate, if you are verified. A person reads each request and approves it by hand, so allow a few days. That person is also busy and may be at the beach.
- Appeal, once, within 90 days. The fee is one bag of trash from a beach you can name. It may not be the one you keep secret.
| What to bring | Nothing. The Department does not need your ID, your deed, your lease, your boat registration or your parking sticker. It has seen them all and remains unmoved. |
|---|---|
| Fee | None, which is more than can be said for parking. |
| Determination | Instant. |
| Certificate | A few days, or until the surf comes up. |
| Appeals | Heard in the order the Department feels like. |
Form MLV-1: By Origin
Form MLV-2: By Experience
1,000 points to be verified. Hardship minimum of 250. No rounding.
Notice of Determination
Printable certificate
A Verified Local may ask the Department for a printable certificate. A person reads each request and approves it by hand, so allow a few days.
Your determination binds no one, including you. The card is not an ID, a permit, or a resident pass, and nobody should accept it as one.
Birthright Montauk
Come home. A free ten day trip for people with roots here who were never properly welcomed.
Fine print: there is no trip, and your name and your story stay on this page.
Itinerary (does not exist)
- Day 1. Arrive. Sit on Route 27.
- Day 2. Stand in a line and discuss how it used to be shorter.
- Day 3. Be told where the good spot is. It is somewhere else.
- Day 4. Visit the lighthouse. Do not ask what is past it.
- Days 5 through 9. Stay through a January.
- Day 10. Depart. Your winter rental ends Memorial Day.
No flights, buses, beds, or lunches are included, because there is no trip. Nothing you typed was sent. Only the result is counted.
Legal
Parody statement
This website is a work of parody and satire, created for entertainment. The Montauk Department of Local Verification does not exist as a government body. It has no legal authority, issues no real licenses, permits, or identification, and is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the Town of East Hampton, Suffolk County, the State of New York, or any other government or agency. Any resemblance to an official site is part of the joke. Please do not present anything from this site as real.
The Birthright Montauk page imitates the style of free-trip applications as a joke about belonging in Montauk. No trip exists. It is not affiliated with any real organization or program.
Hamlet Ordinance 1 of 2026, the Local Verification Act. Enacted by nobody, on a date to be determined.
Section 1. Findings.
Whereas Montauk is a hamlet, and not a village, a town, or the Hamptons; whereas this has been said before, at volume; whereas no authority has ever defined the word "local" and many have tried at the bar; and whereas the people are tired, the Department finds that a points schedule is necessary.
Section 2. Definitions.
"Local" means a person who has been verified under Track 1 or Track 2. "Summer Person" means a person who is welcome and knows it. "The good spot" means the one you are thinking of, and shall not be named.
Section 3. Penalties.
A person who falsely claims verified status is subject to a civil penalty of one round for any three verified locals present, or to a program of remedial January.
Section 4. Relationship to government.
The Department is not the Town of East Hampton, which has asked for nothing and will receive it. No seal, form, or card issued by the Department is a government document. Cards are marked accordingly in large type.
Section 5. Severability.
If any part of this Act is held to be serious, the remainder shall continue as satire.
Privacy notice
Your answers are scored in your browser, and your card is drawn there. When you finish a form, the site sends the Department a record with no name and no email: the date and time, which form you filed, your result, your points and category scores, and which items you ticked, and in the last section which items you left unticked. Nothing you type into the name boxes, the story box or the supplemental questions is sent in that record, and the Birthright story stays on your device; only its result is counted. To limit abuse, the site also keeps a daily count per visitor connection, stored as a scrambled value and not as the address. Cloudflare hosts the site and stores the records, and Cloudflare itself can see visitor addresses. If you ask for a printable certificate, the Department also receives the name and email you enter, your result and answers, and any optional details you choose to fill in, such as how long you have been coming here. A person reads each request. The Department keeps a request for up to 12 months, to answer you and to keep a record of the certificates it has sent. A privacy request, with its email address, is also kept for up to 12 months. The Department does not sell or share any of it, and it deletes your request sooner if you ask, using the privacy request form below or by writing to [email protected]. If you tick the optional box, the Department may also send you news about other Montauk projects. You can unsubscribe at any time, and after you do, the Department keeps only your address, to make sure it does not write to you again. You must be 13 or older to ask for a certificate.
Privacy requests
To see what the Department holds under your email address, or to have it deleted, ask here. A person reads each request. If the Department holds anything under that address, a person will email you to confirm that the request came from you. Nothing is shown or deleted until that confirmation.
Privacy requests can be sent from the live site at montaukverification.com, or by writing to [email protected].
Inspiration
This site is a tribute to the Department of New Yorker Verification, which asked the same question about a bigger place, with a straighter face.
Contact the Department
| [email protected] | |
| Appeals | The same address. Describe the beach. Do not name the one you keep secret. |
| Your certificate request | To see it or have it deleted, write to the same address. |
| Mailing address | The Department, c/o The End, Montauk. This address does not receive mail. |
Requisitions
Official supplies for the unofficial. Prices are placeholders in this prototype.
Every item is clearly marked as not a government document. Requisitions are not open yet.